I Kissed A Girl And I Loved It

So you know how it's considered 'normal' for girls to link arms and drunkenly kiss? Well, this societal norm has been both great and confusing for me - and I'm sure for many others too. Let me explain why.

Since I can remember, I have always appreciated the female form: an hourglass shape, soft facial features and... boobs. Mini me used to put oranges down my tops, steal my Mum's chicken fillets and enjoy all the shocked looks on my family's face. Whilst they would all giggle about it, I remember feeling genuinely amazing.

A good few years on, I am now less bothered about boobs (they're still great of course), but I still love the female form. That said, something I didn't consider was the possibility that I was actually attracted to this form, and therefore to women.

This idea first came to my head when I ended up drunkenly kissing a girl. I remember seeing her and thinking that she was gorgeous. I also knew that she was bisexual and I vaguely remember getting excited that I might actually have a chance. So, I decided to go for it (and mentally prepared to blame the alcohol if I was downright rejected). I went over to chat to her and because the music was loud, I used that as an excuse to get relatively close to her.

Long story short, it was a great success!

So, you're probably now thinking one of five things:

1. That's pretty sexy

2. I'd love to do that

3. Sounds like a straight girl having a bit of fun

4. Surely that makes you bisexual

If you are thinking any of these things, then I don't disagree with you. If you thought "that's pretty sexy", then I absolutely agree with you. But in a way, I almost feel guilty for saying that. This has been a constant battle in my head: do I just wanna kiss girls because lots of guys think it's sexy? If I'm being honest, I do get some pleasure out of telling guys about my female encounters - if they ask - but equally when I'm in the moment of kissing a girl, guys are the last thing on my mind.

If you thought "I'd love to do that" then I guess what most people would jump to say in response is: oh, so you're bi-curious. Although, I really don't see the point in that because whilst some people find a label comforting, for others it can introduce a further - frankly unnecessary - level of confusion and added pressure. So instead, if you're reaction was: "I'd love to do that", I would say: go for it! If you're feeling like you may like girls, then why not give it a go; what's the worst that can happen?

If you thought that it sounded like a "straight girl just having a bit of fun" then I'd, in part, agree with you too. Part of me does feel as though I may be "mostly-heterosexual" and the reason behind that is because I did not feel - and in more recent experiences with women have not felt - any romantic connection; i.e. I could never see myself having a girlfriend or falling in love with a girl. So perhaps I am technically heteroromantic and bisexual but as of yet, I'm not 100% sure.

That leads onto the last thought - "you're bisexual". My instant reaction to that is to say no. Not because I don't think I am but because I find that label daunting. There are a few reasons for this. First, I don't feel 'bisexual enough to be bisexual', if that makes any sense. I've heard people say so many times: "she fell in love with a straight girl" and I wouldn't want to mislead someone by saying that I was bisexual and in so doing, give them expectations and then upset them. I'm aware that this is not rational as plenty of straight men have sex with girls and don't feel like their not straight for not having a girlfriend, but for some reason this is just a thing in my head. The second reason I find the label daunting is because, prepare yourself because this may sound strange, I love kissing and having fun with my female friends. My worry is that if I 'came out' then they would become wary of this and assume that it meant something that it didn't.

Something else that has cropped up is the disparity between women exploring with women and men exploring with men. So many people react so differently to a guy doing exactly what I - and so many other girls - have done. If a guy has sex with men every now and then, people instantly assume that he is either bisexual or gay; the reaction is a lot stronger. But with girls, bisexual erasure is common, where bi-curious acts are dismissed and labelled as a phase. I wonder why this is; it seems completely unfair and I'd love to understand its reasoning.

I feel as though this has been a bit of a ramble so I apologise, I'm still discovering who I am: as has been said, the hardest thing in life is to know yourself. But, I hope that some of you can relate to, or learn from, this story and if not, we can just be confused together!